On Self-Loathing

cw: conceptualizations of suicide and self-hatred

Emiya Shirou in Fate/stay night is an exaggerated cipher and not for any clever purpose. He is effortlessly cool and collected. He labors and cares for others; primed to offer help to anyone for any reason, while expecting, even hoping, for nothing in return. All of his chores are done exactly on time, because being orderly is right, and it gives him peace of mind. Emiya exercises regularly, but not for the “vanity” of feeling comfortable with his body, he exercises to remain cautious and healthy. When practicing his magic, he labors until entirely exhausted, and habitually falls asleep on the spot. This personal skill offers no discernible benefit, it is done out of respect for his late mentor (and father) before any personal reasons.

In short, Emiya is insufferable. His only flaws, as they can be called as such, are being bullheaded, sexist, and lacking in certain social graces. These are yet still framed as further positives, masculine traits that are part of the character and charm of Emiya. His personal strivings are without expectations of others and that is infuriating. Perfection is a place that he alone can stand, from its vantage he will provide for all. To join him, to be equal, to expect an exchange of energies is not an affront to Emiya, because he recognizes no such thing. That is the only chink in his perfect posture, the blithe unawareness of the harm he causes. Emiya is not striving to provide, or to be that kind of person. He’s running away from being a bad person. Continue reading

A Selection of Squinky’s Fabulous Games

Des Rêves Élastiques Avec Mille Insectes Nommés Georges (DREAMING, or french for “elastic dreams with a thousand insects named george”) was created in 2008, using crowdsourced art. Each scene has a vastly different art style, strung together by cartoon Dietrich (Squinky) Squinkifer themself wondering between them. The game opens with Squinky voicing their disillusionment with dreaming, disappointment that they dream of falling instead of flying. They rationalize that it’s because they’re a pessimist – or perhaps a realist. Scenes in the game are short and succinct, varying from heartwarming encounters with old friends, a breakup, the surreal, and even discomforting attacks on work, individual appearance, and videogames. At the end of our short journey Squinky’s voice returns and tells us their dreams aren’t normally this interesting, asking why they can’t be – what’s wrong with them. Then it flashes to Fin, and the game closes itself.

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